quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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