I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
