So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
