You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
