I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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