I can tuck mytits in my pants
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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