Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
