she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
