Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
