But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
