The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize