allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
