Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
