Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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