have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
