Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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