I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
