The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
