I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
