I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
