even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
BRING THE BAGELS
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
