A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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