youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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