i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
