Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
