I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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