He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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