Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we're making bets on your personal life
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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