My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
