OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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