it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
