Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
