hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
