What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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