Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
