so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
