Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
