i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
