was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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