i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You are a genius and a whore.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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