No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
