I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
