he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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