not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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