Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
