I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
