just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
