I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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