Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
