Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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