Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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