Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
