I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Two words: blizzard sex
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
