I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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