Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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