we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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